Wildcat's Going Public! and my first published parody

[jenny_wildcat]

Woot!  I have just had the best news I've heard all semester!  I've just been given the position of opinion columnist for the Utah Statesman!  It'll appear every other Wednesday starting on October 12.  I'll be doing what is termed "social commentary", which basically means anything that I want (within reason).  Finally, I have an excuse to write and people will have to listen (read, whatever).  I'm really not sure how many people (if any) actually read my blog, which might not be such a bad thing.  I don't update very often and what I write here isn't exactly my best.

In other news: in my Edgar Allan Poe class, we have been assigned to do a presentation on specific story (assigned in class). My group was assigned "A Descent into the Maelstrom", which I hadn't read yet, having had read the syllabus wrong and read "The Premature Burial" instead.  My group was discussing the story and talking about it and I had an incredibly evil idea (compliments of Jerry the Frog -- check her out on my Friends links and at www.jerrythefrogproductions.com, which is now up and operational again *big smiles*).  I thought that I should parody the story and maybe (big MAYBE) use it in the presentation. Our professor did say to be creative in this.  Whether I use it or not, I now present my parody of "A Descent into the Maelstrom" by Edgar Allan Poe for the reading pleasure (?) of my audience (?)

A Descent into the Maelström – A Parody
“Can I Have Your Stereo, Then?”

Based on the short story of the same name by Edgar Allan Poe

Old Man: Whoa, man, looking over this cliff is such a high!  Duuuude, you gotta try it.

Narrator: As with all Edgar Allan Poe’s narrators, I’m the one that seems the sanest.  Unlike most of Edgar Allan Poe’s narrators, I actually stay that way

Old Man:  I wasn’t always this old y’know.  Cool, a view!

Narrator:  With impossibly high cliffs and sharp rocks at the bottom

Old Man: I beeeeeelieeeeeeve I can flyyyyyy…

Narrator: It’s not that great

Old Man: Island in the distance blah blah reader butchers Scandinavian pronunciations yadda yadda explanation worthy of National Geographic

Narrator: Ugh, the ocean and its ungovernable fury

Whirlpools: Yargh, we are the great Whirlpool of the Maelström

Narrator: This is the great Whirlpool of the Maelström

Old Man: Actually, we prefer the term “Moskoe-ström”.  It makes the weather feel better about itself

Narrator:  The water is deep here.  And it’s noisy

Old Man: Well, duh…

Narrator: I heard a bear got taken away from this ocean and the boats don’t come back

Old Man: This place is cursed

Poe: Take notes, kiddies.  This will be a recurring theme for the rest of the semester

Old Man: Once upon a time… 

***

Brother #1: We’ve never had any problems sailing through the Moskoe-ström before 

Readers: Which is a surefire sign that they will today

Brother #2: Captain’s Log – We set out with a good wind and no problems except for that sudden breeze that we’ve never encountered before.  This can only mean one thing: the pizza boat will be held up. 

Young Old Man: I’m beginning to feel uneasy about this trip

Brother #2:  Everything’s fine.  No problems here. 

Brother #1: Except for when the greatest hurricane in the history Norway takes us over.

Brother #2: Well, that too 

Brother #1: Not to worry!  I will cleverly tie myself to this mast and will not be lost to the sea!  Hey, it worked for Odysseus.

Poe: Odysseus was dealing with Sirens, you idiot 

Mast: *breaks*

Brother #1: Aaaaaah!  *drowns* 

Young Old Man: We still might make it…

Poe: “So great a fool as to dream of any hope at all” 

Young Old Man:  …Or not

Young Old Man: My watch has mysteriously stopped at 7:00.  From this I can cleverly deduce that all hope is lost and that it’s every man for himself 

Brother #2: We’re gunna diiiiiiie!

Brothers: INSANITY ENSUES 

Brother #2: Gimme that ring bolt!  Gimme, gimme gimme!

Young Old Man: Barrels float, stupid! 

Brother #2:  There’s no way I can be thrown overboard if I hold on tightly!

Young Old Man: Now that I know there is no hope for me, I can poetically contemplate how blissfully beautiful death is. 

Brother #2: They’re coming to take me away, ha ha, ho ho, hee hee!

Young Old Man: Duuude, death is trippy…

Young Old Man: For being scared witless, it’s amazing the scientific clarity with which I can describe my surroundings

Boat: *goes down* 

Brother #2: Hee hee, big boat go down the hole!

Young Old Man: We can still save ourselves! 

Brother #2 (still holding onto the ring bolt): I’ll never let go, my preciousssss…

Young Old Man: Can I have your stereo, then? 

***

Young Old Man (floating on the barrel strapped to his back):  And that cloud looks like a duck, and that looks like a flower and…that looks like my fisherman buddies coming to save me!

Fishermen: Just to end the entire tale (and for the benefit of continuity for the Poe class), we’re are going to inconveniently not believe your story

Young Old Man: Great, nothing left to do but wander around up here and either wait for my hair to turn gray or for some unsuspecting sap that’ll listen to my story

***
Old Man: And I’ve been a kook ever since.

Narrator: What are the odds that I’m a random seagull that this guy’s been talking to for the past forty years?

Poe: About the same as whether Brother #1’s still sitting at the bottom of the ocean tied to the mast 

Brother #1: I could definitely use some Minesweeper right about now.  Maybe some tartar sauce…

The End

Yeah, so take it for what it's worth. The idea of parodying classics belongs to Jerry the Frog Productions (well, that's where I got the idea; my favorite had to be Paradise Lost, simply because I had read the story in my British Literature class), so I have to nod in her direction.

Love from,
Jenny Wildcat

Comments

Gee~!

[ginyoku.livejournal.com]

Hey Chiriko! That was a great parody, I giggled muchly! ^_^ I'm so glad that you're on LJ too. Now I can read your ramblings, and you can read mine. *te he* Anyway, hope your column goes well!

~Chichiri

Re: Gee~!

[jenny-wildcat.livejournal.com]

Chichiri!

Wow, my first comment! I'm glad you liked the parody. It was a hit in class too. I didn't know you were on LJ. I'll just have to visit your page, now won't I?

-Chiriko