My First "24" Fic

Well, I don't know if this truly qualifies as a fanfic, but we'll see.

This has been long in coming, ever since rosevixenand I discussed the real reason Josh didn't want to go to China with Grandpa (other than the fact that Phillip's a certified nutcase).  I mentioned that Josh looked like a member of a boy band and one mental image led to another, which produced the following bout of insanity.

As a disclaimer: I do not own 24.  That distinction belongs to Joel Surnow, Robert Cochran and Fox.  I also do not own anything associated with N'Sync (thought, I probably wouldn't admit it even if I did).  Also, I offer my sincerest apologies to the folks at Monty Python (yeah, I don't own any of that either).  I do own the idea, so no takies.  If you do... I'll tell Jack Bauer that you drove Audrey to her vegetable state.

In Which We Find Out The Real Reason Josh Didn’t Want to Go to China

SCENE: An abandoned WAREHOUSE.  JOSH BAUER has just been brought here by a group of CHINESE THUGS working in league with his grandfather, PHILLIP BAUER.  PHILLIP has a big SURPRISE for little JOSHY. 

PHILLIP: You know why I brought you here?

JOSH: I want my mommy!! *sniffle* 

PHILLIP: You have a touch of destiny about you (AN: right, I don't own Pirates, either) – to become my legacy to the greatest American terrorism regime ever know!!

JOSH: *whimper* 

PHILLIP: And we’ll work from China.

JOSH: I H8 YOUUUUUUUU!!! 

[MEANWHILE: THE MOOSE, I mean, MARILYN BAUER is currently FREAKING OUT at CTU in the aftermath of JOSH’s disappearance.  The CTU STAFF is not happy about this, seeing as they can’t get ANYTHING done.

MARILYN: WHERE IS MY SON? WHY WON’T ANYONE TELL ME ANYTHING? WHAT IS THE AIRSPEED VELOCITY OF AN UNLADEN SWALLOW?  I WANT ANSWERS!!! *foams at mouth* (and we wonder where JOSH gets IT) 

CHLOE: Looks like Milo got off easy.

MORRIS: Darling, are there any of those suicide pills leftover from season three?] 

**Back to PHILLIP and JOSH**

PHILLIP: (motions to Cheng’s CHINESE THUGS)  Someday, this will all be yours.

JOSH: The curtains? 

PHILLIP: Not the curtains, you idiot, the huge tracts o’ land!

JOSH: What huge tracts o’ land? 

PHILLIP: It’s a famous line, work with me here.  I mean you’ll be very very important!

JOSH:  But I donwanna be important.  I’d rather sing… 

In an instant, the WAREHOUSE evaporates into a HUGE CONCERT STAGE.  An audience of screaming hormonal PRETEEN FANGIRLS have materialized bearing signs like “WE LUV U JOSH!” and “MRRY ME PLZ, JOSH!!”  A tiny, pink lacy TRAINING BRA slings its way over the screaming CROWD and lands at JOSH’s feet.  JOSH has his back turned to the CROWD and the music starts.  PHILLIP wonders whether the lack of SLEEP has gotten to him and if he is going NUTS.  I mean, more NUTS than he already was.

JOSH (who has suddenly acquired a very falsetto baritone [or whatever] SINGING VOICE, not to mention a very loose white DRESS SHIRT, trendy-yet-girly bell bottom JEANS and SUNGLASSES that are meant to make him look more – ahem – sexy.  Well, according to Teen Beat, anyway.):

Don't wanna be a fool for you
Just another player in your game for two
You may hate me but it ain't no lie,
Baby, bye, bye, bye... (here, JOSH motions to PHILLIP, who is in the wings rummaging in his pockets for SOMETHING) 

Bye, bye, bye
I won’t be your fool
In this game for two
So I’m leaving you –  

A GUNSHOT is heard through the CONCERT HALL, which turns back into the WAREHOUSE.  PHILLIP is left standing, pointing a GUN at JOSH’s dead body.  He looks mildly DISTURBED, but more at the fact that he had to listen to that DRIVEL.

GRANDDADDY PHIL: They get it from their grandmother. 

PHILLIP walks away, but suddenly REMEMBERS something.

PHILLIP: Hey, I do have another grandchild. 

HE begins dialing his CELL PHONE.

GRAMPS: Kim?

The End

Well, the ending could use some work, but I'm willing to take constructive criticism and suggestions (as I understand, I do have some talented writer friends in my f-list).  I'm toying with the idea of posting this on FanFiction.net, merely as a one-shot parody.  I'll see if I can get it good enough.

Love from,
Jenny Wildcat

PS, Ugh, I had to actually Google search those lyrics.  And I have that damn song stuck in my head.  I feel dirty.