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jenny_wildcat...sigh...when I posted this review of "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" two years ago - there was hope that maybe - JUST MAYBE - a certain H/Hr shipper turned HP screenwriter could take a few pointers from his temporary substitute.
Boy, how wrong I was.
My biggest beef first of all: the romance. Mr. Steve Kloves - I'm going to say this slowly so even a delusional nit like you can get it: HARRY AND HERMIONE DO NOT END UP TOGETHER IN THE END. Not. Even. Close. Please STOP. Put the pen down slowly and step away from the laptop. And go report to Troublemaker Studios - I hear the director of Spy Kids needs a new writer (that may or may not be true, but that's all the ilk that you're fit to work for).
To be fair - I can't give "He-Who-Obsessively-Fangirls-Hermione" all the credit. Dan and Bonnie - could your interaction have been any stiffer than it was? Ditto to Rupert and Emma (I can't fault Rupert too much - he has shown that he can be brilliant if he's given proper material to work with - he'll never get it with Steve, though). But Dan and Emma - I'll be very surprised if we never see them on the cover of People a la Robert Pattinson and the Bella chick. I was NOT convinced of their continual "No, we're just friends..." schtick. ...sigh...
Aside from romances and such - there was just something missing from these movies. Since I've been out of the loop for 18 months - I got a taste of what it's like for people who only see the HP movies and have never read the books and, hence, don't know what the story is supposed to be like. I was confused and I had NO clue what was going on. Hence - my Why Did You Do That? list:
1. Why did you blow up the Burrow? There was no reason for that. And it makes ZERO sense that Bellatrix Lestrange (played brilliantly by the ever-creepy Helena Bonham Carter - some people can overcome craptastic script material) would leave when she could have taken Harry easily. Try explaining that to Voldy at the next Death Eaters' meeting. "Yes, Mr. Dark Lord, sir - I just crazily torched the dirty Muggle-lovers' house for my our psychotic amusement but I failed to capture Harry Potter because I just knew that would piss you off and put my existence in jeopardy. But on the bright side, I helped create sexual tension between Harry and Ginny that wouldn't have been there if Dan and Bonnie were left to their own devices."
Bellatrix is crazy, but not that stupid.
2. Why did you even bother with Quidditch? Dan look as comfortable as Quidditch captain as the president of the Sierra Club at an NRA convention. Not like he's played Quidditch for six years or anything - oh wait, that's right - he hasn't! And it was all geared toward the shipping - not even a peep about how weird it was that Malfoy missed the Gryffindor-Slytherin match AND THAT WAS THE WHOLE POINT OF THAT MATCH!!! OotP sacrificed Quidditch and it worked fine in the story - stop with the gratuitous special effects just because it looks cool. We'd much rather have a quality story than an SFX intern padding his portfolio.
3. Why... Michael Gambon? Dumbledore is ruined. I'm glad Snape killed him. Between Gambon's acid-tripping, cryptic acting job and Jo's bombshell a few years ago - yeah, not a fan. The death scene was strange too. Why on earth was Snape lurking below trying to warn Harry ... or whatever the crap he was doing? It made the confrontation at the end... strange... like someone was trying to rewrite the story, then realized "Crap - we have to stay faithful to the book." That kind of flip-floppy thing makes this movie the most schizophrenic thus far. At least PoA and GoF made it blatantly obvious that nobody in production cared about the original story. Just be honest and tell us that you don't give a flying dragon ball (ha ha) about the source material.
Actually - I just realized something - this movie was directed by David Yates, who also directed OotP. So - he's probably responsible for the parts of the movie that were faithful to the books. I'd like to think that Mr. Yates salvaged what could be salvaged and Mr. Kloves is just an idiot and must go.
I do like David Yates - I am glad that he's directing the movies the rest of the way - the opening shot of Harry and Dumbledore with all the press folks was a great way to connect the last movie with this one - if only the rest of the movie could have had that continuity. :(
4. Why must you play up the teenage antics? These kids are teenagers. It's going to come naturally. You don't have to point it out to us every second. Tell the story - let the adolescent ninnies take it how they will.
I can't type anymore. It makes me too sad.
The Good News: Alan Rickman is amazing. Helena Bonham Carter is rightfully creepy. Narcissa Malfoy - is just weird. Jim Broadbent was... okay. The Lupin/Tonks material was good (though I would have to have seen Tonks come rescue Harry off the Hogwarts Express. And why didn't Luna's lion hat roar? Why have her wear it at all?)
My request: Bring Michael Goldenberg back for Deathly Hallows. Kloves can go write for Disney direct-to-DVD sequels.
Boy, how wrong I was.
My biggest beef first of all: the romance. Mr. Steve Kloves - I'm going to say this slowly so even a delusional nit like you can get it: HARRY AND HERMIONE DO NOT END UP TOGETHER IN THE END. Not. Even. Close. Please STOP. Put the pen down slowly and step away from the laptop. And go report to Troublemaker Studios - I hear the director of Spy Kids needs a new writer (that may or may not be true, but that's all the ilk that you're fit to work for).
To be fair - I can't give "He-Who-Obsessively-Fangirls-Hermione" all the credit. Dan and Bonnie - could your interaction have been any stiffer than it was? Ditto to Rupert and Emma (I can't fault Rupert too much - he has shown that he can be brilliant if he's given proper material to work with - he'll never get it with Steve, though). But Dan and Emma - I'll be very surprised if we never see them on the cover of People a la Robert Pattinson and the Bella chick. I was NOT convinced of their continual "No, we're just friends..." schtick. ...sigh...
Aside from romances and such - there was just something missing from these movies. Since I've been out of the loop for 18 months - I got a taste of what it's like for people who only see the HP movies and have never read the books and, hence, don't know what the story is supposed to be like. I was confused and I had NO clue what was going on. Hence - my Why Did You Do That? list:
1. Why did you blow up the Burrow? There was no reason for that. And it makes ZERO sense that Bellatrix Lestrange (played brilliantly by the ever-creepy Helena Bonham Carter - some people can overcome craptastic script material) would leave when she could have taken Harry easily. Try explaining that to Voldy at the next Death Eaters' meeting. "Yes, Mr. Dark Lord, sir - I just crazily torched the dirty Muggle-lovers' house for my our psychotic amusement but I failed to capture Harry Potter because I just knew that would piss you off and put my existence in jeopardy. But on the bright side, I helped create sexual tension between Harry and Ginny that wouldn't have been there if Dan and Bonnie were left to their own devices."
Bellatrix is crazy, but not that stupid.
2. Why did you even bother with Quidditch? Dan look as comfortable as Quidditch captain as the president of the Sierra Club at an NRA convention. Not like he's played Quidditch for six years or anything - oh wait, that's right - he hasn't! And it was all geared toward the shipping - not even a peep about how weird it was that Malfoy missed the Gryffindor-Slytherin match AND THAT WAS THE WHOLE POINT OF THAT MATCH!!! OotP sacrificed Quidditch and it worked fine in the story - stop with the gratuitous special effects just because it looks cool. We'd much rather have a quality story than an SFX intern padding his portfolio.
3. Why... Michael Gambon? Dumbledore is ruined. I'm glad Snape killed him. Between Gambon's acid-tripping, cryptic acting job and Jo's bombshell a few years ago - yeah, not a fan. The death scene was strange too. Why on earth was Snape lurking below trying to warn Harry ... or whatever the crap he was doing? It made the confrontation at the end... strange... like someone was trying to rewrite the story, then realized "Crap - we have to stay faithful to the book." That kind of flip-floppy thing makes this movie the most schizophrenic thus far. At least PoA and GoF made it blatantly obvious that nobody in production cared about the original story. Just be honest and tell us that you don't give a flying dragon ball (ha ha) about the source material.
Actually - I just realized something - this movie was directed by David Yates, who also directed OotP. So - he's probably responsible for the parts of the movie that were faithful to the books. I'd like to think that Mr. Yates salvaged what could be salvaged and Mr. Kloves is just an idiot and must go.
I do like David Yates - I am glad that he's directing the movies the rest of the way - the opening shot of Harry and Dumbledore with all the press folks was a great way to connect the last movie with this one - if only the rest of the movie could have had that continuity. :(
4. Why must you play up the teenage antics? These kids are teenagers. It's going to come naturally. You don't have to point it out to us every second. Tell the story - let the adolescent ninnies take it how they will.
I can't type anymore. It makes me too sad.
The Good News: Alan Rickman is amazing. Helena Bonham Carter is rightfully creepy. Narcissa Malfoy - is just weird. Jim Broadbent was... okay. The Lupin/Tonks material was good (though I would have to have seen Tonks come rescue Harry off the Hogwarts Express. And why didn't Luna's lion hat roar? Why have her wear it at all?)
My request: Bring Michael Goldenberg back for Deathly Hallows. Kloves can go write for Disney direct-to-DVD sequels.
